Best Video EVER! ~Colorado Springs Videography

I so wish I could take any credit at all for this... but I can't.  Kelli France, of France Photography make this killer video for me with the help of her super talented videographer because she loves me so very much.  :)  (I bought her dinner and fro yo... does that make up for it?)  I have told her no less than 100 times that it means the world to me.  It's so priceless!!!  She and Jess (videographer extrodinaire) will never know how much this means to me.  It's seriously perfect.  They could not have nailed this any better!!  Thank you Kelli and Jess!  You talent is through the roof!!  

Carter's Cancer ~ France Photography from Kelli France on Vimeo.

Mine~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

A few weeks ago I went out with a super awesome photographer friend of mine, Kelli France.  (Took the MOST amazing photography business class from her... WELL worth it!!)  We took millions of pictures of Carter and she took a million more of Carter and me.  We also brought along her videographer which was great because now those two super cool girls are making a video montage of Carter and me together.  I am SOOOO excited to see it.  I'm rarely on the other side of the camera so when she offered to do this for me, I was more than happy and beyond grateful for the chance to have her use her talent on us.

A few Updates~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

****I wrote this nearly three weeks ago... Just as I was adding pictures and links my internet pooped out and I so frustrated I walked away until now... major slacker.  :)****

Carter's, overall, doing awesome.  He "passed" Consolidation (the second cycle of chemotherapy) on Monday and started Interim Maintanence 1, which *should* be two months long.  "Should" means that as long as he passes his counts every 10 days he will receive two different types of chemo: Vincristine and Methotrexate.  I was so excited to receive the good news that his counts were high enough to start IM.  After he received both of these meds on Monday, the doctor called with some blood test results.  Before he gets the meds they check his blood along other things.

One of the "other things" is checking how his liver is holding up.  They don't get those results until the end of the day.  The past month his liver counts have been kinda high... like 7 times what they normally are.  That is kind of expected with the chemotherapy he has been taking at home every night (Mercaptipurine). But, even still, 7 times is high for that.  Normally one of his liver counts (there are two types of ways they test it) should be 25.  Last week at chemo it was 172.  High, right?  This week, BEFORE they pumped him full of meds, it was 873!!!!  (***Update: As of May 26th it was down to 555.)  When the doctor called she said had she known his liver counts before he got his chemo there is NO WAY she would have given them to him.  This will NOT cause permanent liver damage, but it will push his chemo back (my guess) at least 10 days... which means 10 more days he'll have to wait until he starts school.

Dr. Reaves (who I'm pretty sure walks on water) also told us to expect Carter to fail his blood counts at least once, if not more often... now I'm wondering if not only are we going to have to make sure he passes his blood counts, but will we also have to watch his liver counts.  I mean, don't we need our livers to be functioning?

And the worst part (to me) is that the med he was taking this last month which was causing the aggravated liver is one he will have to start taking again in a few months and take until his treatment is DONE! That means at LEAST 2 years!!!!!  BUMMER!  It makes his tummy a little upset.  It makes him throw up some times.  Because it's chemotherapy, we canNOT touch it. It can make us very sick if we do. We have to dump the pill into a medicine cup and Carter has to eat it out of there.  He also has to take it two hours after he east dinner so if we have a late dinner we have to wake him up to take it.  It's so annoying.  And, apparently, it tastes gross.  (Haven't tried it.)

Dr Cook, his other oncologist (also a water-walker), said to not plan on Carter going back to school until JANUARY..... His comment was met with complete silence from me (me, speechless?... odd, right?).  I literally just stared at him.  I thought (I think it was more hope than anything) he would be going back in the fall with the other kids.  Nope.  The worst part of chemo is coming up in about 3 months.  There's a 5 week period that is super rough on the kids.  That will fall in the beginning of the school year... IF Carter passes his counts continuously between now and then.  The more his chemo is pushed back, the more the hard part of chemo is pushed back... and the later he goes back to school.  Dr. Reaves (who is the less conservative of the two doctors) said Carter may be able to go back a little earlier if he's doing well.  I think the absolute earliest will be October.  And that's if things go smoothly... Suck nugget.

Although his liver is in poor condition right now, his spirits are as high as ever.  He's THRILLED he only has to go to chemo every 10 days instead of every week.  He's looking forward to his birthday next month and I'm finally backing off of the whole "you can't touch a single person" thing.  He's getting healthy enough, and familiar enough with what he needs to do to stay clean, that we are talking about having a friend over every now and then.  We frequently talk of what he wants to do for Make-A-Wish.  We talk about how he'll get his port out when he's nine and then he'll be all cured.  As always, his attitude amazes me.  He brags about how he's had more surgeries than I have.

At the end of each cycle of chemo we celebrate with a cake.  We write the name of the cycle on the cake and we put a candle on it (I think the bakery people think I'm nuts for writing things like "Consolodation" on a cake!).  The candle number represents which cycle he has just completed.   I'm SO proud of him and how far he's come.  I'm so proud of him for not being angry about this whole thing (who knows if and when that day will come).  I know he's going to turn out to be an amazing man... just like his daddy!

These are from a month ago when he finished Induction, his first cycle of Chemo (which lasted a month). You can see the chubs in his cheeks from the steroids.

Like Father, Like Son~ Colorado Springs Family Photographer

Carter is definitely his father's son.  He's very logical just like Bryan is.  For example: Bryan thought that Carter may have Leukemia a few days before he was diagnosed based on a few different things.  When I asked him why he didn't tell me he thought it could be cancer he shrugged his shoulders and said, "You're a mom.  You would have freaked out and I thought it was a long shot.  I'm not medically trained to diagnose something like that anyways.  And you had an appointment for a few days later.  What would have been the point of telling you?"  Hmmm.  Typical Bryan.  Me?  I would have screamed from the rooftops, "My son is tired and has two very small red dots on his neck!!  IT MUST BE CANCER!"  :)  Wouldn't have been too productive. Carter is like Bryan like that.  He's quite logical.  When he was explained the process and road that lie ahead of him he shrugged his little 5 year old shoulders and said, "Well, it doesn't sound fun but if this is what needs to happen to make my blood healthy then I guess that's ok."  Seriously?  You're FIVE!  Shouldn't you, oh I don't know, freak out that the next three years of your life will be filled with shots, puking, hair loss, and tons of other yuckies you won't enjoy instead of chasing girls around the playground, playing sports, and digging tunnels in the snow?  So weird to me, this thing they call logical thinking.  I'm just FAR too girl to be that rational.

Bryan and Carter are both thinkers as well.  You can just tell, looking at them, that the wheels are turning.  They are processing something that has been said to decide whether or not they believe it.

They are also both very into sciencey stuff.  Carter thinks weather is cool... so does Bryan.  They both think the human body is cool.  Once, about a year ago, they had a conversation about white blood cells at the dinner table.  Carter could not have been over 4 at the time.  Seriously?  White blood cells?  So odd.

When people started shaving their heads Carter quickly turned to his hero, Daddy, to see if he was going to join in the fun.  Bryan LOVES having a shaved head.  But, he looks young (he IS young).  He has people constantly asking him how old he is.  (As he's shoving a huge needle into their mouths...)  So, he was a little hesitant.  He sells treatments all day long to his patients.  They need to trust him.  He doesn't have any wrinkles.  No facial hair.  Not a lick of gray hair.  He thought if he shaved his head he would look too yound making it a little more difficult for patients to take him seriously.  And, afterall, the livelihood of our family depends on him raking in the big bucks.  :)

After much deliberation, he decided, "Who cares if people don't take me seriously for a few weeks.  I'll let me facial hair grow a little to compensate.  Shaving my head to support my little man will be something he will remember forever."  Could not agree more.  I was feeling that way inside but tried hard not to voice my opinion because I didn't want to make him feel bad.  (It didn't affect his work at all, by the way... probably becaue he looks so stinking HOT with a shaved head!)  I must admit, while he was on the fence about it, I think there was one thing that pushed him over the edge.  Ben, Bryan's super amazing younger brother, played the "I'll do it if you do it" card.  Worked like a charm.  When I told Bryan that Ben was on board if Bryan went for it, he got this look in his eyes... you know, the look an older brother gets when he sees a wonderful opportunity to tease a younger sibling?  Now that they're all grown up, Ben is the one and only sibling that doesn't end up on the receiving end of Bryan's taunting.  But, I faulter from my point.

The shaving if the heads is just one more thing that Bryan and Carter have in common right now... although Bryan's is already on it's way back (he's got TONS of hair) while Carter's is just getting thinner and thinner.  I love this picture of the two of them.

Changes~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

Our lives have changed a lot in the last 6 weeks.  A lot.  As to be expected I suppose.  We are living day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  I wanted to make a list of these changes so that in 10 years when I look back and read about this, I will remember everything.  I don't know if cancer is like pregnancy in the sense that the more time that passes the less you remember how miserable it is.  :)  Here are the changes that come to mind: 1.  We are SOOOOO much more sanitary than we use to be.  We are living the way we all know we are suppose to be.  You know: not sharing cups or spoons, washing our hands like crazy people, using sanitizer after anyone sneezes, washing sheets and pillow cases about twice as often... things like that.  (Am I totally ratting myself out here?  I promise I'm a clean person!)

2.  We never go anywhere.  Never.  Ever.  Carter leaves the house to go to chemotherapy.  We quit piano-prep classes.  We quit basketball.  We quit school.  There is only one friend at this point that Carter is allowed to play with.  They adore each other and our middle kids (both girls) are best friends as well so it works out well.  They see each other about once a week as long as everyone is healthy.  But at the same time, this friend is a girl and I know occasionally he misses boy time.  Legos and shooting.  Things like that.  Poor kid.

3.  No vacations.  We cancelled our trip to San Diego (we were suppose to leave a few days after he was diagnosed.)  We cancelled our trip to Arizona.  We don't know when we will be traveling at all.  Even when he gets the go ahead to travel, will we fly?  I don't know if he'll be ok on a plane with all that recycled air.  Sick.

4.  I'm the nagging mom.  I have to ask other people before they cross the threshold of our home if they have so much as a stuffy nose.  I feel SO ridiculously stupid but there comes a point where you just don't care anymore.  It's not worth your kid getting sick and ending up in the hospital because someone wants to bring a snotty kid over to say hi.  (Even though it's their way of showing support.)

5.  We go to the hospital if Carter has a temperature higher than 101.5.  No questions asked.  They start him on antibiotics before they even have blood cultures back.  This happened on Wednesday night.  Cultures came back clean but he had two doses of rocephin anyways.  This also resulted in two extra trips to the oncology clinic which took us to a grand total of four days last week spent in some sort of medical facility.  Awesome.  We talked to Carter about maybe getting sick during the day next time so I'm not sitting on that uncomfortable chair in the ER until 1am.  He told me that this is when the doctors told him to get sick and that he couldn't help it.  :)  Goof.  One good thing about him having cancer is that we didn't even have to sit down in the waiting room.  We went right up to the counter, told the girl that he's immune comprimised and she opened the door into the back.  We went right to his private room and hung out there.  MUCH better than a normal ER trip.

6.  He knows things he just shouldn't as a 5 year old.  He knows what blood pressure is.  He knows about his reflexes (They check them every time we go to chemo).  He knows to cover the toilet after chemotherapy because his chemo pee will splash onto the toilet and make other people sick.  (We're still working on getting him to actually flush the toilet.)  He knows about white blood cells, what they should do, and that his are sick.  He knows about cancer, specifically leukemia.  He knows his hair is gone right now but it will come back.  However, he does NOT know that cancer can be fatal.  We feel no need to tell him that.

7.  We have more hats than any hat store around.  He loves his hats.  He wears them like shirts.  Changes them every day.  It's pretty cute.

8.  I have turned into a completely reclusive person.  You know that saying, "If you can't say anything nice..."  Well, I've changed it.  If I can't say anything positive, I don't say anything at all.  I try my darnest to be positive and upbeat.  Normally I do fairly well.  But not always.  As I've mentioned before, sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and my family.  I just want to whine and not get dressed in the morning.  Sometimes I just want to say, "I don't care about your stupid problems!!! I am completely self-centered right now and I ONLY care about my family so SAVE IT!"  (To date I don't think I've ever acted on that instinct... but be forewarned.  :)) (I should add that I don't feel that way towards close friends... it's just people on FB that I'm not really even friends with anymore, you know?)   BUT, normally, I'm good.  Normally I'm a happy mother to two very healthy boisterous little girls and one on-his-way-to-getting-healthy little tired boy.  And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

9.  I rarely (RARELY) answer my phone anymore.  I just like people to leave messages.  I was getting so overwhelmed with trying to keep everyone informed that I asked Bryan to handle his family and I handle mine.  That has helped a little bit, but there are still friends.  These friends are awesome, wonderful, old friends that are calling out of sincere concern.  That's why I have this blog.  So that they can check up on Carter, I have a journal, and it saves my sanity a bit.  (For the record, I'm about a million times better with texting.)

These changes are just part of our every day life now.  It's starting to get "normal".  I am so grateful for our new normal.  I'm so glad he's responding to the medicine he's getting.  I'm grateful for the power of prayer.  I know there is a Father in Heaven who loves my sweet little family dearly and while we don't understand every decision made, He sees the big picture.  And even in the finite picture we see, it's a good one.  This will end.  We only have three years and two weeks left!  Woot woot!!  :)  (Barring nothing nuts happens and his counts stay okay.)  I feel so sad for those people that don't believe in a higher being.  Someone that sent us here to be tested.  Someone who loves us unconditionally.  Those people are missing out big time because change happens.  Weather you're ready for it or not.  It comes.  Sometimes you see it coming (in the form of a tummy- and butt- getting bigger by the day) and sometimes you don't.  But all change has it's silver linings.  Sometimes you just have to check under every rock and all the nooks and crannies to find that silver lining but it's there.

Visitors, Visitors, and More Visitors~ Colorado Springs Family Photographer

Bryan and I have THE most amazing families in the universe.  The night Carter was diagnosed I called my parents.  (What?... no.... I TOTALLY didn't cry like a baby through the ENTIRE conversation... there was no hyperventalating, no snot, no crying-so-hard-I-could-barely-see-the-road going on....  Not me.  I don't do that. :))  They were on the first flight out the next morning and were at the hospital by early afternoon.  They were coming out to help with the girls but since the girls were contently playing at Chelsea's they came to the hospital.   (Mom, pat yourself on the back for holding it together and not crying... I knew she had spent the entire previous night in tears.)  Carter was thrilled to see them.  They spent a week with us.  It was so refreshing on my few hours away from the hospital to come home and see their smiling faces.  We all know, there's nothing in the world quite like Mom.  And my mom and dad are two of my very best friends in the world.  They are AWE.  SOME.  Seriously so cool.  (But that is a post for another time.)  They were able to spend a lot of time at the hospital with Carter and my mom was up to her usual antics while she was there.  Making stuffed animals dance in order to get Carter to laugh.  Recording the doctor on her iPhone so she could send it to my family.  Giving the Doctor the hundreds of papers she had printed off from Wikipedia in case the doctor needed to learn a thing or two.  (Seriously?  Wikipedia?  People can go in and edit that just for kicks!!)  So funny.  And my dad ended up extending his trip so he could spend more time with us.  Who needs to work and make money anyways?!

While my parents were here partying with us, Bryan's sweet mother was waiting with baited breath for her chance to come up.  She had been up visiting and had gone home a mere 24 hours before Carter was diagnosed.  (Although she was very much on my side with getting him into the doctor.  She was quite clearly the concerns I had with his energy level.)  She had her plane ticket about .08 seconds after we told her when we wanted her to come.  She once again dropped everything (she has her mother living in an attached apartment whom she cares for, her super cool husband, one daughter in high school, and two daughters off track in college all at home still).  I absolutely LOVE my in-laws.  You hear such horror stories about "mother-in-laws" and I am happy to say that I have none such stories.  She is very respectful of us and our privacy.  She loves me like I'm her own. (how could you NOT?!?)  She ADORES my children.... literally, I think she would raise them for me if I asked.  And, most of all, she raised the most wonderful man in the entire world.  Bryan is amazing and it's in great part to how he was raised.  We loved having her come visit and can't wait for her to come back.

After Maureen left Bryan's youngest sister, a junior in high school came out for the weekend.  Naomi, or Auntimoni as the kiddies call her, was so great to have out here.  She was the one here when Carter finally got to come home from the hospital.  When we walked in the door there was a HUGE banner that she and Addilyn had made hanging on the wall welcoming home Carter.  There was also a chocolate cake in the oven to have for dessert.  SO thoughtful!!

Naomi had to get back for school, but have no fear, Noelle came to the rescue.  She came and visited for a week.  The kids had a blast with her.  Even though Carter's energy level was st rock bottom, she would be sure to include him whenever he was up for playing.  They were constantly building forts, playing, and doing all kinds of things that fun aunts do.  She was really good about stepping up and getting things done when I needed a break.  I never had to tell her what I needed.  She just seemed to know.

Next was Nellie's turn.  I'm pretty sure I need to replace Nellie's jeans after her visit.  They played so much "Doggy" that I'm sure she has a few holes in the knees of her pants.  She was the one here when Carter's hair started falling out.  She was very sweet and sympathetic with the whole thing.

All three of these girls were so great about helping out.  They cleaned, changed bums, put kids in bed, cooked, babysat, let me nap... you name it, they did it.  And Dru and Maureen foot the bill for all of their plane tickets.  They didn't bat an eye lash when it came to getting the girls up here to help us out.  (And we all know how cheap plane tickets are when you are buying them only a week in advance.)

Once Bryan's family was done with their rounds up here it was Aunt Kelly's turn.  Kelly is my super duper sister.  She's older than me so sometimes she doubles as a mom.  :)  She came up for a few days while her sweetie of a husband watched the Ladies.  (Have I mentioned how much I love her girls?!?)    My kids ADORE her and were N.O.T. happy to see her go.  She was here when Carter had his second port surgery.  By this point Preslee was pretty much over everyone in the world who wasn't Bryan or me, but she loved Kelly.

My kids are so lucky.  They have the world's best aunts.  And 1/2 of them were able to come visit during that first month.  When one family member left, the kids were heartbroken.  But their hearts quickly healed as another fun family member swooped in to play with them and keep their minds off of the fact that Mommy and Daddy weren't quite themselves and that Carter was going through all kinds of stuff that wasn't normal.  We will be eternally grateful to everyone who came and helped out during this time.  We are also grateful for those who WANTED to come help but because of their own families and schooling were not able to be here in person.  We know their hearts were with us the entire time.

This post would not be complete without mentioning Chelsea.  She has been my go to throughout this past month.  She takes my girls when I have to take Carter to the doctor and Bryan's working.   She dropped her plans for a girls night out at 8:00 at night when Carter was diagnosed.  She rushed right over (Bryan hadn't even told her what was wrong when he called her) and stayed with my girls until Bryan got home around 1:00am.  (Not entirely true... Nash needed to eat so Josh stepped in and stayed the remainder of the time.)  She also took them the entire next day.  It was easily over 12 hours.  And then she let me cry on her shoulder when I can to get them that night.  She has seriously been my angel.  I could not have made it through the last month without her here.  She NEVER makes me feel bad about leaving the girls with her (I promise I try not to take advantage of her... I've only gone shopping twice when I told her I was really going to the doctor. ;))  I love her so very much!!!

While it was wonderful to have a lot of family rotating through, it was also nice to have our little apartment back to ourselves (and to finally get Carter off of the blow-up mattress in our room and back into his own room).  The night Kelly left (she was our last visitor) Carter said to me, "Mom, I really liked having everyone come visit but I'm excited to just have our little family together again."  Made mama happy.  :)  We've been doing well on our own.  I've had to call on Chels a little more but I figure once I wear my welcome out with her I'll move onto Katie and Kim... forewarned, ladies!!!  :)

The Shaving of the Head~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

Carter's hair was falling out for about 5 days before we finally convinced him to shave it.  We wanted to wait until he was ready.  It was his last thread of being a "normal" kid and we wanted to respect that.  His hair was EVERYWHERE (woot woot, Dashboard!)!!  I told people it was like having an Alaskan husky in the middle of an Arizona summer.  It was crazy.  It was on his clothes, his pillow, the couch, the floor, the table, the counter, the toilet, on Bryan, me, Addilyn, and Preslee.  Honestly, everywhere.

When he finally decided to shave it, I don't think Bryan or I were quite prepared for just how "cancer patient" he would look.  Carter has always had a TON of hair.  Nice thick mousy-brown-with-a-touch-of-strawberry hair.  The oncologist told us that more than likely it would not fall out for a bit longer.  But, as they tell us ALL the time, "Every child is different".  He does still have some peach fuzz for sure.  But you look at him and think, "Oh, that poor little boy has cancer!"  He has received tons of awesome hats from friends all over the country.  He has also received so much support.  Now, not everyone can shave their heads.  People need to keep their jobs and Bry and I are the very first to understand that.  We in no way expected anyone to shave their heads.  But we love that he received support from those who felt shaving their heads was an option.

 

Now, I'm not gunna lie. This was hard for me. I had to excuse myself for a few minutes to have a good cry. I mean, try to envision your 5 year old bald. Going through this. It sucks. But he's so darn brave, it's hard to stay sad for long.  Plus, you can't live your life in complete tears.   Every few days I'll just go lock myself in the bathroom and have a good, long cry.  But then I pull myself together, thank the dear Lord for all the blessings I have in my life, and move on with my day.  I think crying is good for everyone.  I really do.  I know it helps me.  And usually it's something small that sets me off.  Something that wouldn't normally even phase me.

All in all, everything ended up good.  He refused to touch it when we were done shaving it.  But, once he saw it in the mirror, he thought it was hysterical that there was green still on his scalp.  I'm so glad he found the humor in all of it. That is something that we are really trying to instill in Carter.  That there is ALWAYS silver lining.  Always.  Sometimes you have to look super hard. But it's there.  Now he really likes it and doesn't want his hair to grow back until after Halloween because he wants to be Yoda for Halloween and he doesn't have any hair. :)  Love that kid!!

'Roids~ Colorado Springs Cancer Photographer

One of the less awesome things about Carter having eight gazillion rounds of chemo are the steroids.  They are lame to the O.  That's right.  Lame-o!  They make him SOOOO hungry.  And I mean STARVING!  This is what he eats on an average day: 6:30am: Wakes up to pee and BEGS us for a snack.  About 7:00 we finally give in and he has a cheese stick or a banana.

7:30am: Breakfast: 2 packs of instant oatmeal, a heafy bowl of cottage cheese, a big bowl of some kind of cereal, 2 glasses of milk.  (He use to eat 2 things of oatmeal and 1/2 a glass of milk)

By 8:15 he's asking when snack time is... not kidding.

10:00: Snack: He'll have some fishies or a cheese stick and then beg for more.  We tell him if he wants more he can have some cucumbers or carrots.  1/2 the time he will; 1.2 the time he won't.  (He use to only eat a snack about 1/2 the time.)

10:20: "When's it going to be lunch time?  I'm STARVING!"  Really?  Wow.

12:00: Lunch:  an entire turkey sandwich, a cheese stick, 1/4 of an apple, some cucumber slices, a gogurt, and some crackers.  (He use to have 1/2 a turkey sandwich and a gogurt.)

12:30 "You know what sounds SOOOOO good, Mom?  A CHEESE STICK!!"  No.

12:45:  "When's snack time?  This medicine makes me SOOOO hungry!"

3:00: Snack: a banana or some other healthy snack.

4:30:  BEGGING for more food.  ("I don't think I can wait for dinner!")

5:30: Dinner.  He eats almost as much as me.  Goes back for seconds if I don't give him enough.  Makes sure before he leaves the dinner table that he'll be able to have a snack before he brushes his teeth for the night.

7:30: Heading for bed:  "Dad, I'm seriously SOOOO hungry.  Can I PLEASE have something to eat?  I'll brush my teeth again!  PUUUU-LEASSEEE!?!?"

11:00ish: Usually wakes up to pee and informs us that he is literally starving to death.  Seriously?  He's got to be kidding, right?  Nope.  All he wants is.... that's right: a cheese stick!  We send him back to bed and assure him that breakfast will come quickly.

He's gained 6 pounds.  (The next part of chemo kills the appetite so it will all go away.)

Aside form the food aspect (I feel like I have a teenage son!) he has SERIOUS muscle weakening.  It sucks.  Bad.  He struggles (and I mean STRUGGLES) getting up and down.  It breaks my heart.  When he gets up off the ground he has to walk his hands up his legs to get completely up.  He trips a lot.  Stairs are near impossible.  I hate watching it.  He's literally deteriorating.  This is not a super common side affect and thank heavens when he's done with this round of the steroids (it's over TODAY!!) they'll be much less often for the rest of the chemo.

These steroids make you retain water.  And crave salt (for him it's cheese).  Bad combo.  But, it's totally killed his sweet tooth.  Hopefully that sticks.  :)

He pees ALL the time.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.

Most kids on these steroids are seriously cranky.  They are little Jeckyl/Hyde type personalities.  The doctor warned us that we would nearly despise our little sweetie by the time Induction (the first section of chemo) ended.  Carter is a little more touchy but we have been very lucky to not see this.  He definitely wants to spend more time alone rather than playing with Addilyn but he's not mean, which is what we were ready for.

"I have Remission!!"~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

So many great things have happened since Friday afternoon... starting with us coming home from the hospital!!  YEAH!!!  I was so very excited about being together as a family.  The girls were beyond thrilled when Carter walked through the door. (Although they were not beyond thrilled that he went straight in to take a nap.)  Addi hugged him at least three times (lifting her foot each time) and Pres climbed onto the couch and patted him on the head saying "caca" over and over.  (I know... funny that she calls him that, huh?) The warm and fuzzy feeling didn't last long, though.  When we got into our room so he could lay down on the blow up bed which he will be calling home for the next few weeks while we have family here helping out, I took off his jacket only to find... BLOOD!  That's right, folks, blood coming from the end of his newly installed PICC line.  SERIOUSLY!?!?  I immediately called the doctor and left a message.  Then I called the hospital and talked to his nurse who told me to call the at- home nursing agency.  I called them and the nurse told me that I would have to flush it (run saline through it) to make sure it didn't clot.  She would be more than happy to do it but she has a cold.  No one with so much as the sniffles is allowed within 100 yards of Carter so it was up to me.  They rushed some saline and heparin over to me and while I was on the phone with the nurse I flushed it.  As I started to do this blood started coming out from where the PICC line connects to the connector thingy that I connect meds to (pretty sure that's the scientific name for it).  Awesome.  The nurse on the phone told me to try unscrewing it and putting it back on.  Maybe it was just not screwed on correctly (you know when you are trying t put the lid back on the peanut butter and it's just not going...?).  Thank heavens that was the problem.  If that hadn't fixed it, back to the hospital we would have trotted.  *sigh*

But, since then, it's been smooth sailing.  Chemo on Monday was a cinch.  Meds since then have been fine (as long as I don't overthink that the PICC line in which we are shoving meds goes straight to his heart).  And Carter?  Well, he is a CHAMP!  Man alive, that kid has been more of a trooper than I EVER thought he would be.  No complaining from him.  None.  I'm so very proud of him.

This is what a typical day looks like for him concerning meds:  (not using actual names of the medicines because that's just too much info for a blog.)

7:00am -->  Anti bacteria med through the PICC line

8:00am--> Steroid, weekend drug (on the weekends of course), and anti-nausia med. (all oral)

1:30pm --> Anti-fungal drug through the PICC line.

3:00pm--> Anti bacterial med through the PICC line.

7:00pm--> Steroid and weekend drug. (Both oral)

11:00pm--> Anti bacterial med through the PICC line.

The drugs will slow down soon.  After induction he doesn't have the steroid as much (I will have an entire post about the steroid because it's kinda funny) and in a week or so he'll be off the antifungal and antibateria ones.  But I'm sure he'll work some other drugs into the mix at some point.  :)

This morning we got a call from Carter's oncologist.  She said she couldn't wait until Monday (our next chemo appointment) to tell us some exciting news.  Carter's cancer is all but GONE!  He is technially in remission!!!  All this really means is that the prognosis is even BETTER than before!!!  He still has the three years of chemotherapy, he'll still lose his hair, he'll still puke his guts out, he's still got a SUPER crappy immune system... BUT HE'LL BE OK!!!!  I seriously would have kissed her if the concersation had been in person!  We are beyond thrilled and Carter called all four of his grandparents to tell them, "I have remission!!!"  I am excited to talk more to Dr Reeves about this when we see her in a few days and while I know the battle is far from over, I feel much more at ease with things.  God is good and the first thing we did when we got off the phone was kneel in prayer and thank him prefusely.  (Ok, actually we went and celebrated with milkshakes and THEN prayed.

Family~ Colorado Springs Children Photographer

We really try to have the girls come in and see Carter at the hospital... problem is that Preslee is a walking tornado (love her dearly) and Addilyn's interest isn't held for longer than 5 minutes.  The entire visit (which on average last for 10-15 minutes) is spent following Pres around and stopping her from messing with the IV tower or stopping her from yanking things off the counter, or telling Addilyn that she needs to play the game on the iPad by herself or telling her to leave Carter's brand new things alone.... it's exhausting.

BUT... we feel it's important for them (especially Addi) to see Carter here in order to better understand that he is really really sick.  She keeps saying "When Carter comes home he's going to be all better!"  Nope.  Not the case.  Three years is a long time to a three year old... in fact it's a lifetime.  Carter also kind of shuts down when too many people are here at one time.  I think it's mostly Preslee because she's SO all over the place.  Often times he'll lay down and pull his blanket over his head.  Poor thing.

Wishful Thinking... Colorado Springs Cancer (?) Photographer

When Carter was diagnosed nearly two weeks ago (seems like it's been SOOO much longer than that but also feels like it was just yesterday) his oncologist asked if I stayed home with the kids.  I told her yes but that I did some photography on the side for fun.  She mentioned a company to me that donates their time (and digital images) to children with cancer.  They do photo shoots of the child with cancer and one or two pictures of the family or the child with the siblings.  I INSTANTLY knew I wanted to be involved.  I have emailed the company and am waiting to hear back.  This is something I would seriously love to take part in.  It's something I would have wanted to be involved in whether Carter had gotten leukemia or not.  I love being involved in charity type of things and providing a service that maybe not everyone can provide and give something to a family in need that may not be able to afford it otherwise.  I like to think of myself as a "pay it forward" kind of person.  (I'm sure I have more than my fair share of "selfish" moments... I should work on that!) So, hopefully at some point when we get Carter into the maintenance phase of his chemotherapy (in 6 months) I can start serving like that.  We'll see if this company accepts me.  If not, then I'll just try to do it on my own.  I'm sure I can give the oncologist my cards and she can pass it along to people who would be interested. 

Beads of Courage~ Colorado Springs Cancer Photographer

One of my favorite things about Carter having Leukemia (if there is such a thing as "favorite things") is the Beads of Courage program.  For every little mile stone Carter overcomes he gets a bead.  I know it doesn't sound like much but it's actually pretty cool.  Each specific color/shape of a bead means something.  For example, for each time they draw blood he gets a black bead.  For each day he spends in the hospital he gets a yellow one.  Surgery they get a cool star shaped one (of which Carter will have THREE by the time he's one month into this thing).  Chemo is a white bead.  When the Child Life Specialist comes he gets one with a smiley face.  He also has beads that spell his name and one that has the hospital's name on it with "Beads of Courage" on the other side.  As of right now Carter has over 70 beads- yep, he's been through a lot in the last week and a half.  He will continue to get beads over the next three years from the clinic each time he has chemo or anything like that.  I really like the program and love their explanation as to WHY they chose beads for this program.  Carter looks forward to receiving beads as well.  Yesterday he earned 9 beads for the following things: surgery, getting his port removed, being neutropenic, spending a day at the hospital, being in isolation, getting a spinal tap, chemo, having blood drawn, and receiving platelets.

As for how Carter's doing, he's doing great.  Aside from the whole bacteria infection (which they caught immediately and they kicked that within days) and his yeast flare up, we can't complain.  Because of the yeast, the surgeon had to remove his port.  Bummer.  Once yeast are in a port there's no getting them out so the port had to be removed and he had to get a normal IV.  This also means that any time he needs blood drawn for the remainder of the time we are at the hospital (until hopefully only Friday afternoon) they will need to poke him (he earns a bead!)... not Carter's favorite past time.  Once we have three yeast-free blood cultures (which SHOULD be on Friday, they will take out the IV, put in a PICC line (another bead!), and send us on our way.  After a  few weeks once Carter's body has had time to heal up a little, we'll come back to the hospital and he'll get another port in (more beads!).... a nice, clean, yeast-free port that should be in there for the remainder of his treatment.

This has been a tough little journey so far and I've been encouraged to talk to others who have been through this.  At this point, I just need to deal with what's in front of me.  Every case of A.L.L. is different and every child that has it reacts differently to the meds, chemo, steroids, etc.  I know I should reach out for answers from other moms... but I know it will just scare me.  Right now, ignorance is truly bliss for me.  I don't google Leukemia.  I don't call those mom's people have told me about.  I haven't talked to the other mothers in the hospital with children with cancer.  I just want to be.  You know?  I want to go through this with Bryan, Carter, and my cute healthy little girls.  I have always loved my family but I would be a liar if I said I wasn't a little more patient these days.... if I didn't let Addi stay up a little late and watch Ariel with me while snuggling on the couch... if I didn't drive through places to get the girls a shake a little more often.  I have a new appreciation for my sweet family, and I feel like I'm a mommy who has always appreciated them; one who truly loves to be a stay-at-home mom; one who tries to remember "these days will be gone before you know it" when they are driving me batty and throwing tantrums for no apparent reason.  I love my family and I am the luckiest girl in the world to have them with me forever and ever.

The Surgery ~March 13, 2011 ~Colorado Springs Cancer Photographer

Carter and Daddy right before surgery. (Taken on my iPhone.) I seriously adore this picture.

Last Sunday Carter had to have surgery.  Because his road to recovery is going to be such a long one filled with so many "pokes", with Leukemia, they put a port in your chest.  (I know they do this with other kinds of cancers as well.)  A port is basically a circle about the size of a 1/2 dollar and about a 1/4 inch  or so thick with an IV tube running out one side.  They put it under Carter's skin in his chest and ran the IV to his heart.  From that point forward they will always run his Chemo, his transfusions, his meds through this port.  It's MUCH easier.  They don't have to poke him nearly as much and while we are here in the hospital they just have it permanently accessed so there is NO MORE POKING!!!  YEAH!!!

While they had him under the knife they did a spinal tap to see if there was cancer in his spine.  (There wasn't.  Phew!)  I wish I could say that was going to be his only spinal over the next 3 years but... When I asked the oncologist how many spinal taps he would received she sighed and said "I can't begin to count..."  Bummer.  But normally it will be in the clinic and he'll just be drugged and not all the way under.  They also did a bone marrow biopsy.  As they suspected, nearly everything in the bone marrow was cancer infested.  That should change.  Frankly, it's probably already changed.  The doctor said if we looked again today the bone marrow would be pretty much empty.  Strange, huh?  The doctors that did his surgery were AWESOME.  They joked with him and teased him while prepping him.  He kept telling the anesthesiologist that he wasn't going to fall asleep.   When they went back to the actual surgery and the doctor told him to count down from 10 and then he would fall asleep.  He said, "No I won't!  10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1! (as fast as he could)  See?  I'm not asleep!"  So the doctor said, "Well, Carter, you can't count that fast.  Try counting down from 100."  Carter: "100?!  That's gunna take forever!  I'm not going to fall asleep!"  And then he passed out.  One thing I was very happy about is that they let Bryan go back with him until he fell asleep.  One thing Carter was happy about is that he got to ride down the hallway and in an elevator in his bed.  He seriously thought it was the coolest thing ever.  The surgery went off without a hitch and it was short and sweet.  And Carter took it like a champ.

Passing the Time~ Colorado Springs Cancer Photographer

The hospital is awesome.  Seriously, there's tons to do here, considering.  There are so many board games to play, Wii's to borrow, nurses to talk to, iPads to play, DS's to play, books to read, legos to build, play dough to make with the Child Life specialist.... all kinds of things.  It's been so much fun spending so much quality time with Carter.  Don't get me wrong, I wish it was under different circumstances, but it is what it is, so we deal with it and move forward. 

That being said, I have my breakdowns.  I really try to stay positive.  As my dear grandmother always say, "The power of positive thinking!"  You have no idea how many times I have said that in my head the past week.  I am trying my hardest to stay positive.  When I'm with Carter, it's easy.  He's doing really well.  Tons of energy and spunk; has more questions than anyone I know.... it's when I'm at home laying in bed.  When it's Bryan's turn to sleep at the hospital. Or when I'm taking a shower.  When things are nice and quiet my brain starts to go to the uncharted world of the "What if's"... It's a DANGEROUS place and one I try to spend as little time in as possible.

A close friend of mine from Arizona (and one I will eternally love and look up to) sent me a wonderful email.  She referred me to a scripture from the New Testament.  John 14:18.  It says "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."  How wonderful is that scripture?  The scriptures are amazing and Bryan and I read them daily.  But every now and then when you read one that you TRULY feel is written for you and your family, they seem to come to life.  I know I will read and reread that scripture over the next 3 years.  I know our Father in Heaven will not leave us.  He loves us as much as (probably even more) than we love our little ones.  That is something Bryan and I never forget.  We know that whatever happens IS for a reason; a reason much more long term that we realize.  But we know Carter will be ok.  He'll pull through this like a champ and be a much stronger person in the end for it.

Leukemia ~Colorado Springs Cancer Photographer

Carter is our oldest son (and only son, actually), a sweet 5 1/2 year old boy. A few weeks ago, we noticed that Carter was getting tired really easily and was starting to look pale (which is really saying something since his complexion is normally already very Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost like). He was also complaining of stomach aches and random pains in different parts of his body. His doctor thought that they might be Abdominal Migraines(we hadn't ever heard of them either) and started him on some medication. The medication (at least we thought it was the meds) were making him even MORE tired. It was ridiculous. His teacher talked to me about how he was always so sluggish, he was falling asleep at his friends houses (SO unlike him), he couldn't wait for bed time, he wouldn't join in on my dance parties with the kids... things like that. His doctor asked to see him immediately, gave him an exam (a quite thorough one) and ordered some tests. During the exam he was asking us some very random questions ("Has he been waking up in the middle of the night?" Ummm... a little bit which IS strange for him. "Have his lips been fuller than normal?" Actually, yes. I had even commented to Bryan about that.) The doctor, who we just adore, assured us it was more than likely anemia and nothing more. While examining Carter he had spent WAY too long feeling around his arm pits. Of course the first thing we think is "lumps". I asked him why he was lingering there and he said he felt some VERY small masses. They were small and kinda squishy so they were more than likely nothing. He said if he wasn't looking for them specifically he wouldn't even have felt them. But he did have some reason for concern so he ordered tons of tests. We, of course, worried of the worst case scenario. After a lot of time waiting (it was only 6 or so hours but that's a LONG time when you're scared) we had to take Carter to get MORE blood drawn. By this point it was 4 in the afternoon and we were very worried we would have to wait through the weekend to find out what was going on since the pediatrician closed at 5. We were worried it was something serious... you know, like mono or pneumonia. (If only!!) Dr Kim (the ped) called a little after 5:00 and said he should know within the hour what the results were but that they had crossed off bone cancer and liver problems. That's good, but scary they were looking at things so serious. He had given the lab his cell phone number and had my number in his phone. About 6:30 the doctor texted me and said the lab was rechecking something but he should know within the next 30 minutes or so. I, once again, started to cry. Why on earth would they need to recheck normal lab results. Obviously something wasn't right. He finally called me a VERY long hour later (while Bryan was at Costco of course) with the news. He was 98% sure. He was SO sweet while talking to me. (What a HORRIBLE call to give!) He had been on the phone with the oncologist (whom he kept calling the hematologist- she's both- I think as to not further scare me) and with the hospitals all over Colorado Springs trying to find a bed. He sent us immediately to the closest one with an open bed and told us to cancel our trip to California next week.  He then asked me if I was religious and prayed with me over the phone. It made me love that doctor that much more. (He had BIG shoes to fill after my super awesome doctor in AZ.) The fact that he didn't care if it was breaking doctor rules was so great to me.  He just wanted to comfort a crying mother who had just received some very heartbreaking news.

After being a human pin-cushion over the next 24 hours, Carter was officially diagnosed with leukemia, specifically pre-B cell Acute Lymphoniblastic Leukemia. (A.L.L.) Of all the kinds of cancers, this is the "best" one. We were obviously devastated, as all of the worst-case scenarios flooded our minds. It was the beginning of a very scary journey. Thanks to some wonderful doctors and nurses, our minds were put a little at ease as they informed us that of all the types of leukemias, Carter has the most treatable and curable form. They taught us that leukemia, unlike solid cancers, is cancer of the blood. That means it is everywhere almost immediately (they think he's only had it two weeks or so), which makes early diagnosing and treatment very important. Carter's bone marrow, which usually makes all of his blood cells, was malfunctioning and only creating a type of white blood cell, B-cell, at a very rapid rate. So rapid in fact, that those types of cells took over the blood producing marrow and Carter was unable to produce oxygen carrying red blood cells, platelets that help with clotting, infection fighting white blood cells, etc. After a few platelet and blood transfusions, (and a formal diagnosing) Carter was taken to surgery where he was given a spinal tap, had a bone marrow biopsy (NOT transplant) from his little hip, and had a port placed in the left upper part of his chest, that will remain there for easy chemo treatments for the next few (2-3) years. This is the point we are at now. (It is SO strange to think that a little over 48 hours ago our lives were 100% different. 48 hours ago I couldn't even spell leukemia.-- although I bet Bryan could. He's quite the smarty pants.) The chemotherapy should begin to work immediately, and in the next week most of the cancer cells should be dead or dying. However, because leukemia goes wherever there is blood, which is just about every square millimeter of your body, it is very difficult to get rid of it completely without lengthy chemo treatments. So, the next 6 months will be a very intensive chemo regimen (during which Carter will lose his hair- hat time!!) followed by 2-3 years of maintenance chemotherapy. He will start losing his hair in a few weeks and be pretty darn miserable for the next 6 months. (And we hear we will too with the steroids they will be giving him. Turns him into a major crank, I guess.) But, obviously this will all be worth it to have our healthy little boy back. It's strange to think that when he finally gets this port out of his body he will be preparing to be baptized... that seems SO far away. Carter has been a real trooper. Aside from a few rough hours after surgery, he's been in good spirits and has been soaking up all the cute nurses and TONS of attention he's getting. He has borrowed a DS, watched movies on the iPad, watched Star Wars with Daddy late at night, gotten shakes, cookies, treats (as well as healthy food), and played countless games with Mom or Dad- one of which is always with him. This has obviously not been a fun experience for him, and will only get worse before it gets better, but he has had a pretty good attitude through it all, at least for a 5 year old with cancer. :) We are so blessed to have in our family. We know that this will be a learning experience for us all, and that we will grow closer as a family and closer to our Savior and Father in Heaven through this. We are absolutely amazed and blown away by the amount of support, prayers, thoughts, and fasting we have received the past two days. Our inboxes are literally busting at the seams. Our prayers are FULL of things to be thankful for. We are SO grateful my girls and Bryan and I are healthy. We are so grateful Carter is getting the help he needs. We are SO grateful for those kind souls that donate blood and platelets. We are so thankful for modern medicine. If this was 40 years ago there would have been NO hope. We are so grateful for perfect strangers that are praying and fasting for a little 5 year old boy they have never and more than likely will never meet. We are grateful for facebook! The word spread so fast through facebook which allowed so many more people to keep our little fighter in their prayers. We have definitely asked the question "Why?" through this. But not with anger. We wonder why the Lord has given us this challenge. What are we suppose to learn here?  How are we suppose to grow in order to learn what the Lord wants us to learn.  One thing we know for sure is that the Lord will NOT give us something we cannot handle.  We are going to kick the crap out of this cancer!  A few weeks ago I was listening to an old friend tell me about her 5 year old nephew with cancer.  I said to her, "I don't know how your brother and sister-in-law do it. That would literally kill me... watching my 5 year old suffer through cancer." (should have knocked on wood, I guess.) But, with the Lord's help, all is possible.

Things I never thought I would say that have come out of my mouth over the last 48 hours: ~I hope it's just pneumonia. ~My son has cancer? ~I'm so glad it's just Leukemia. ~This could be SO much worse. ~Let's dye Carter's hair blue!! It's gunna fall out anyways.  (**He wants green**) ~MAKE A WISH!?!? We get to apply for that? AWESOME! ~Do you think if we took Carter to Disneyland while he's still bald that they'll let us cut in front of everyone on all the lines? We should really look into that. ~"Hey Bryan, did you ever think we would spend our 8 year anniversary in the hospital room of our little boy with Cancer?" His response "Yep. I've been imagining this day since I was a little boy." (goofball) ~Man, having a kid with cancer really helps me take off those last few pounds. (Lost 3 already.) ~Our child WILL be a cancer survivor. Thank you everyone, once again, for the countless prayers. We can say without a shadow of a doubt, the prayers are the reason we are getting by. Our testimonies have only grown (not as fast as the cancer, but pretty darn fast!) and our Savior is near by. This is one of those times that He is carrying us, and we truly appreciate it. Our Father in Heaven loves our Carter as much as we do... and we will never ever doubt that. Hug your babies a little longer today; life changes quickly.